Keeping myself in check.

I always thought that I had everything figured out. Who I was. Where I was going. I never really ever felt lost, confused yes, bewildered of course. Every single day that I choose to do something, could be anything like picking out a shirt or deciding whether to have a baby or not, it all boils down to how I felt. I think it's easy to get lost in the "what ifs" or the "not right nows." But honestly I think Rob Thomas says it best "Maybe, someday will figure all this out." That song "Someday" speaks endlessly to me. Mostly because of the things I'm still over coming. I'm 25 and I'm still finding my way. I have made so many mistakes and thought I was someone who I really wasn't. I faked it a little bit in life just to get by day to day because the way I feel is so over whelming that the thought of even stepping out onto the soft grass to embrace who I am terrifies me. I see myself a certain way but I don't play that part well at all. So do I try to discover a new identity? It's almost like an out of body experience for me. Looking back on photos of myself I start thinking; Did this really happen? Was I really this way?? Were these people really my friends or just fragments of a life that I never really had?? I'm just wondering if everyone else around me witnessed all my many metamorphis' or was it more like shedding a summer a coat, you just don't really notice it. I say that I'm a chameleon. I can be whatever way I want to be but is that a good thing? Can people really change into something else and still maintain who they are to their core? I think so but it's hard for me. I can re-invent myself everyday and be whatever you want me to be but eventually that mask starts to peel away and then I'm left feeling empty again. It comes down to who I surround myself with. Will you lift me up, keep me grounded or pull me away? I believe I have had a few people in my life who have pulled me away. Given me that out of body experience and once I'm grounded again it's hard to be lifted back up. It's my fault that I let people do that to me. My lessons in life may not be similar to others but they are mine and mine alone. The choices I make from here on out should not be based from those but rather diverted. I am slowly learning this. That I need to be the one to lift myself up, keep myself grounded and pull myself away from those people who threaten to take me away from this image I see of myself. I'm the only person who has control over my fate. Gaining that confidence will always be a struggle for me. I don't deal with things very well. And I pretty much always feel strongly about something or someone. I do wear my heart on my sleeve. So my heart is in the right place but my actions may speak differently but that's something I need to find balance with so that I'm always doing what my heart says.

On a lighter note. I just walked the boys to school and danced in my house to Lady Gaga & Black Eyed Peas. =D

Thanks for reading!!

XOXO,
AL      

Blog virgin no more.

SO...this is my VERY first blog ever. Blog cherry popped!! I can officially check this bad boy off of my bucket list. So is it sad that I have "write a blog" on my bucket list??! I have to be honest I really didn't understand the point of blogging. The whole idea of reading about someones opinions about certain topics and hobbies or their CATS just seemed sort of annoying. I can confess that I haven't read many blogs. I'm SO behind on the trend. I'm not really a trend follower nor am I trend setter. I just sort of mosey along at my own pace. However, I have been reading some of my FB friends blogs. So my interests just went from there I guess. SO I thought, why not give this whole blogging world a good go-around!!



I really just would like to test my ability to write. Becoming an author is also on my bucket list, and if you attended Paris High School and you were a former classmate to participate in the 2004 graduation and you have a copy of that big Senior packet thingy then check out my "What will you be doing in 10 years" because I'm pretty sure it says something about having 4 kids and becoming a children's book author? Generally I just want to tell stories. I have thought about doing full on novel writing or maybe just putting out some short stories. I don't know yet. I have a few things/issues/topics I would like to write about. Obviously it's something that I have been wanting to do since I was in high school. My mom brain (and my boys) just really keep all my creative energy blocked. Almost to the point that I feel like a zombie sometimes. 


Anyway, on to this blog. Ritual birthday this Saturday. Dreading. I'm turning 26 and the whole celebratory atmosphere surrounding birthdays is just depressing to me this year. I always looked forward to it every single year of my life and I usually end up disappointed. My guess is that it just never lives up to hype I give myself for the day. I suppose I let myself down because it's my day and I can let each day, not just my birthday be a day to celebrate so then I just end up having a lowsy day. Lol. Not every year has been like that. My 20th birthday I had a baby shower and I got my marriage proposal and I stuffed my fat pregnant face with mexican food so that was awesome!! :) Maybe I'm secretly afraid of the BIG 30??! Which doesn't surprise me because when I turned 20 I had a mini panick attack about turning 20!! Lol. Pathedic, right? My BF and I have this thing we say to each other on almost every birthday, "You're approaching 30!" There's no real reason why we say it. But what happens after I turn 30?? I feel like just turning into one of those woman who just forget about their birthdays or rather the age I guess and pretend that thier 29 for the reast of their lives and then eventually they sort of forget how they really are because they've spent so many years saying their 29 that they just don't know their real age. So in turn that makes them feel better?? Hmm... NOPE I can't be one of those woman!! Lol. Plus my friends would never let me get away with not getting older. Lol. So why am I so depressed this year?? I can think of a few different reasons that might lead a person into feeling depressed on thier birthday. I live too far away from my entire family (friends are included in my family). I'm living a new kind of life (HOOAH). Some people may not realize what being an Army family really means, scarafice. It's a whole other beast! I'm so serious. Another reason may be that I haven't reached any personal goals yet, there for my mortality comes into play?? "/ Whatever is it mama's in FUNK! I've got to figure out away to de-funkify myself so I can atleast have a smidge of a good day. Lol. Okey enough with that.



I think Dawson, my oldest, he's 5, is like eating some kind magical growing weed or something because he just keeps getting taller by the day. He's officially a kindygartener. And let me just say their are some hefty expectations with that. I'm just blown away by the fact that he will be able to read and write by the end of this year!! I don't remember much about kindergarten except playing in a sandbox and my full name written on my underwear. He's already coming home telling me he know's how to write his name and read "I am dog." Pssph. I just can't wrap my head around it. I cried on his first day of school but I did manage to control myself because I didnt want to freak him out but the feeling I had was just overwhelming, sort like I was having seperation anxiety. Lol. Both of my boys have been by my side every single day since they were born so it's hard to just send them off and be peachy about it. Elijah and I have taught both of our boys everything they know so the idea of someone taking over that position was liberating and scary as hell! He's doing great though. He's just has so much fun and tell us everything he's learning. I'm so proud of him and I know this is just the beginning.



Now Grady whose 4, he's just sort off in his own little world most of the time. You know like "LaLa Land." Lol. He's the kind of little boy who makes wishes on dandellions everytime we see one and is so quiet. I was more afraid of him getting bullied because he's just so sweet and quiet. He loves pre-school!! I was surprised that he didn't have a care in world when I left him in the classroom on his first day, which also made me kind of sad too because it's like he was moving on to bigger and better things. Haha. He's pretty special that little Grady. He told me the other day that his teacher taught him how to dance! Lol. He tries to convince Dawson that magic is real and mommy & daddy that he's a big boy and we all believe him!!



Thats just a teeny piece of me.



XOXO,
AL