Keeping myself in check.

I always thought that I had everything figured out. Who I was. Where I was going. I never really ever felt lost, confused yes, bewildered of course. Every single day that I choose to do something, could be anything like picking out a shirt or deciding whether to have a baby or not, it all boils down to how I felt. I think it's easy to get lost in the "what ifs" or the "not right nows." But honestly I think Rob Thomas says it best "Maybe, someday will figure all this out." That song "Someday" speaks endlessly to me. Mostly because of the things I'm still over coming. I'm 25 and I'm still finding my way. I have made so many mistakes and thought I was someone who I really wasn't. I faked it a little bit in life just to get by day to day because the way I feel is so over whelming that the thought of even stepping out onto the soft grass to embrace who I am terrifies me. I see myself a certain way but I don't play that part well at all. So do I try to discover a new identity? It's almost like an out of body experience for me. Looking back on photos of myself I start thinking; Did this really happen? Was I really this way?? Were these people really my friends or just fragments of a life that I never really had?? I'm just wondering if everyone else around me witnessed all my many metamorphis' or was it more like shedding a summer a coat, you just don't really notice it. I say that I'm a chameleon. I can be whatever way I want to be but is that a good thing? Can people really change into something else and still maintain who they are to their core? I think so but it's hard for me. I can re-invent myself everyday and be whatever you want me to be but eventually that mask starts to peel away and then I'm left feeling empty again. It comes down to who I surround myself with. Will you lift me up, keep me grounded or pull me away? I believe I have had a few people in my life who have pulled me away. Given me that out of body experience and once I'm grounded again it's hard to be lifted back up. It's my fault that I let people do that to me. My lessons in life may not be similar to others but they are mine and mine alone. The choices I make from here on out should not be based from those but rather diverted. I am slowly learning this. That I need to be the one to lift myself up, keep myself grounded and pull myself away from those people who threaten to take me away from this image I see of myself. I'm the only person who has control over my fate. Gaining that confidence will always be a struggle for me. I don't deal with things very well. And I pretty much always feel strongly about something or someone. I do wear my heart on my sleeve. So my heart is in the right place but my actions may speak differently but that's something I need to find balance with so that I'm always doing what my heart says.

On a lighter note. I just walked the boys to school and danced in my house to Lady Gaga & Black Eyed Peas. =D

Thanks for reading!!

XOXO,
AL